Who Counsels the Counselor
Rated R
Setting: Shortly after Nemesis.
It has been several weeks since Shinzon violated me, yet I have been unable to consummate the spiritual connection Will and I have. I don't know what to do.
I can touch him physically, but there is no empathic link between us. I can hug him and give him my body, but not my mind.
It scares me to think I could be violated again if I let my blocks down. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I know Will would never hurt me and I love him so dearly, but I just can't. I can't.
I cry so much lately. I cry because of fear. I cry because of the violation. I cry because I can't open up to Will and be completely one with him.
The violation. It is the worst thing that could happen to a Betazoid. I not only endured it once by Shinzon, but twice. It was the third time in my life that this has happened to me and I don't feel I can open up to my own husband. My Imzadi.
"Imzadi."
He calls to me. Giving me gentle mind brushes, but I turn my mind away from him. I just can't let him touch me, even though I love him. It's just too much for me.
The pain of being violated is still there after all these weeks and the man who violated met his doom. Even so, the residual effects still affect me.
Shinzon and his Viceroy are gone, but I am still in pain. The wounds are still bleeding. Still open and unhealed. The pain is still there, as though it happened yesterday.
"Imzadi, please. I love you. I would never hurt you."
The truth is, I know he would not even dream of hurting me. He's my best friend, my lover, and now my dolting husband. Gods, I love him so much, but I hate the Betazoid part of myself!
"Let me help you!"
I feel the tears roll down my eyes. "Can you help me? I don't think so. You have no idea!"
I did it again. I pushed him away. Why do I keep doing this? He's the one person who probably can help me? Who else can the ship's counselor turn to in times of need? Who would keep her every word in confidence, more than the one who is the closest to her?
"Deanna, look at me. I'm not Shinzon."
I refuse to look at him. I lay beside him, in pain. Not physical, but rather emotional. The trauma of it all overwhelms me still and lingers on and on. It makes me wish I was all human and not part Betazoid. Then he could not have done what he did to me.
"Deanna, please. I want to help you."
Help me he says. When did he get a degree in Counselling? He can't help me. He can't possibly know what I have been going through these past few weeks. How could he know?
"Deanna. Imzadi. I can't help you unless you talk to me."
Who counsels the counselor?
I turn back towards my husband. He looks at me with concerned loving eyes.
"I want the bond to be complete, but I won't force it on you. Not like this. I love you too much to hurt you more, but I love you enough to try and help you through this pain you are going through."
The words of a true Imzadi. I sense his love. His concern and his desire to help me.
"Please, Imzadi, let me help you."
He pleads to help me. To heal the wounds that were caused by a man who hurt me deeply. He's the one man who could. The man who loves me. The man who would never do my mind harm. The man who could doctor the wounds and nurse me back to health. The man I love. My eternal soul mate. My Imzadi.
"I love you, Deanna and all I want to do is be here for you. To help you. I know he hurt you badly and if I could I'd fix it so no one could hurt you ever again. I just wish I could have stopped him, before he hurt you. I'm sorry."
I sense his remorse and helplessness. He too is wounded.
"I wish his death alone was enough to take your pain away, Deanna. I only wish you let me in so I can help you, to show you just how much I love you and I do love you."
I bury my face into his chest and begin to cry harder than ever. Releasing the pain and trauma enough to begin the healing process. Enough to talk to the one who loves me deeply and help me through all of this.
"It will be alright, Imzadi. We'll get through this together."
He allows me this moment. It is the closest we have been mentally since the incident. It is a start. The beginning process of healing.
I open the door to mind just slightly. He approaches slowly. This time I do not slam the door shut on him. Instead, I leave it open just enough that I can peer though and touch him if I want, but that is all. It is a start though.
He kisses the top of my head lovingly and sympathetically. His mental caresses are gentle. Not forceful. Loving. Not demeaning. I open the door to my mind a little wider. Then I bare my soul to him.
I tell him everything that happened to me. How Shinzon hurt me. How he violated my very being and soul unmercifully.
I could sense Will's anger at what had happened. The anger frightened me at first and I almost slammed the door to my mind shut again.
Then I realized that he too needed me to help him through the hurt he had of seeing the one he loved, with all his soul, being hurt by another man. He too needed healing.
That's when I began to think it was time for the counselor allowed herself to be consoled, so she could console others. It was time, she allowed the one person who could help her, to help her. It was time she completely bared her soul to the one counselor who could help her. It was time to allow her wounds to be more than just bandaged. It was time to be brave again and open her mind to someone. It was time to be consoled, but by whom?
Then it dawned on me. That someone is right beside me. My counselor is right in front of my eyes. The healer of my wounds is at my bedside. My counselor is my Imzadi.